Hello horse people.
I’d firstly just like to say that this post is guaranteed 100% coronavirus-free… by which I mean I’m not planning on mentioning it so you can spend five minutes reading something just about horses for a bit of a change. I can’t guarantee that you won’t *catch* the virus from this post though, so make sure you wash your hands thoroughly for 20 seconds after reading it.
I know what you’re thinking though. You’re thinking, ‘What’s going on with the New Nag? I mean, you tell us all about the expense and hassle of having to buy the thing, and then leave us hanging. How’s it all going? Have you even spent any time with it? Wagwan?’
Well, despite what you may think, I have indeed seen it, touched it and watched it walk around in some circles. I’ve helped ‘bring it in’ and whatever the opposite one is — ‘Let it free’? Not sure. I say that I’ve helped, but I’ve been in the general area while either CC1 or CC2 has done all the actual work. When doing the bringing in stuff, they make me take the Loan Pone as apparently the New Nag is too much for me to manage, and I’m tempted to agree. The Loan Pone is apparently a ‘sweetheart’ and a ‘soft, gentle squidgy thing of a horse’ (CC2’s words, not mine), but when I have to lead it along the path from the field back to the hotel rooms, she just leans on me and slowly pushes me further and further into the undergrowth until I fall over into a ditch. Sweetheart my arse; she’s a little shit. But as the New Nag tests even CC1’s experience and resolve, I’m more than happy to stay well clear.
So what’s this New Nag like then? What kind is, what colour is it, what kind of temperament does he have? What are his strengths and weaknesses? Give me the deets, I hear you cry. Well, I’m happy to oblige. So settle back, dear reader, and I’ll fill you in with all the detailed specifications and give you my expert knowledge on the matter.
Name: New Nag
Gender: Cock ’n’ balls
Colour: Brown, obvs
Nationality: Was European. Now presumably just British. Not seen what colour his passport is.
Distinguishing features: Looks a bit like a sea horse; funny eyebrows. Hole in his ear (see later)
Height: About yay high?
Favourite colour of matchy: Err, green? Or sometimes orange. Or red. I think it was pink yesterday.
So that’s the basic facts, what about his style? What about all the different walks an’ that? Well, I’ve appraised him carefully and can state with confidence that he can definitely walk at different speeds, though I would say then when changing gear he looks a little jerky, like CC2 hasn’t depressed the clutch properly, needed two hands to wrench the gearstick into place and then given it way too much throttle, so he sort of leaps into the air and flings CC2 back into her seat, which makes her giggle. I guess he’s still waiting for his first service, so could just need an oil change.
I’ve picked up quite a lot from just listening to what other people say though. Like, if I’m watching a lesson then there’s usually conversation between the trainer and CC1, and it usually goes something like this.
Trainer: (shouted to CC2) OK CC2, NOW GET HIM TO CANTER!
[Some yanking of gearsticks, a leap into the air, CC2 flung back]
CC1: Look at his canter!
Trainer: It’s a great canter
CC1: Amazing canter
Trainer: It’s a really good canter
CC1: Great strides
Trainer: Really good strides
CC1: Great canter
Trainer: Really nice canter
I’ve learnt a few things from eavesdropping on these conversations. Firstly, the nag’s got a really good canter (which either includes, or is the same as, ‘strides’) and secondly that horse chat is reeaally boring, though only that first bit is news to me.
In terms of settling in to the hotel and family life, things are still a bit tense I believe. The Loan Pone gets a little bitey around this new interloper and actually bit a little section of his ear off the other day. Just a little nick, you understand, nothing vital went missing but we’re thinking the stable name ‘Vincent’ might suit him. That’s a high-brow art joke, by the way.
And that’s it really, I think you’re up to speed. There was quite a lot of in-depth detail there, I hope I didn’t go too fast for you. I’ve even included a photo of it chilling out and taking in the view. Doesn’t look like much of a worker, does he?
If you have any further questions, feel free to ask away and I’ll almost certainly ignore them. In the meantime, I’ve started to feel a bit under the weather since starting this. I think I need to go home from work IMMEDIATELY and self-isolate with a sandwich. And maybe a glass of wine.