Hello horse people. I have more to add to yesterday’s post, I’m sorry to say. The story so far for those that weren’t listening or have incredibly short attention spans…
Despite being banned from staying in our garden, the nag is staying in our garden. Again. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know, but it’s there. You can ignore all the stuff about the lost retainers, they don’t feature today, so that’s one less thing for you to worry about.
Below is an account of a conversation I had with CC1 yesterday afternoon.
Me: I can’t believe you put that bastard pony back in the garden.
CC1: Yeah. Sorry about that. There’s actually something I should probably tell you too…
CC1: Actually, it doesn’t matter.
Me: Oh yes it does. What? What is it?
CC1: No, it’s nothing really.
Me: Tell me…
CC1: I’ll tell you later.
Me: Tell me now. It’s bad isn’t it? What’s it done?
CC1: No, nothing. It’s done nothing. And no, it’s not bad.
Me: So tell me then.
CC1: I’ll tell you later.
Me: Tell me now.
CC1: I’ll email you.
Me: Email me??
CC1: Yes, when I’ve left the house. I’m off out soon.
Me: You need to be out of the house to tell me? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!
CC1: It’s nothing, honestly. It’s fine.
Me: It’s so fine that you need to be out of the house to tell me? What is it? Tell me!
CC1: I’ll tell you later. I’m going out now, I’m taking the pony and CC2 to a lesson.
She left me goggle-eyed, brain fizzing with awful mental images of the nag having dug a massive hole to try and burrow out or eaten a neighbour’s cat.
An hour or later though and I’d actually forgotten the whole thing. Rather than sit around drinking beer while the house was empty, I instead had the very nice man from the RAC over to attend my car. You don’t need to hear about that. And is it the RAC who are very nice men or the AA? Either way, he was perfectly nice enough.
So anyway, Mr RAC man is in the garage, tending the car which couldn’t quite be bothered to start. I was outside, leaning on the fence overlooking the garden. In the breeze I could hear the sounds of the countryside. Wind mainly actually, but also a distant dog barking and a horse whinnying nearby.
Ah, the nag’s making a bit of a racket, I thought. But hang on, it’s not even here, I saw CC1 drive off with it earlier. Must be one of the neighbour’s horses then.
Hang on, ‘neighbour’s horses’? What are we, Amish? Our neighbours are decent, normal people. They have cats, maybe a dog. No horses. So what the fuck just whinnied?
I turned my head to the left slowly and nearly shit myself. There’s a fucking horse in my garden, again, but not even *our* fucking horse. Some other fucker’s fucking horse! Oh, this is ridiculous. It’s not even a full-size fucking horse, it’s one of those stupid Shitlands. And now I realise the significance of one of CC1’s friends being over the other evening. The one that owns a mini-horse. The little cow (CC1, not the friend, though, y’know), she’s conspired to bring other people’s spare horses over into my garden now, on top of our own which was absolutely bad enough to start with.
Well, now I know the ‘the secret’ anyway. I text CC1 angrily; “What the fuck is that in the garden? I’ve seen it. Some fucking living Breyer horse wandering around.”
Fast forward to the evening and CC1 is picking me up from town. I’d sort of broken down. Don’t get me started on this, but let’s just say that maybe the car wasn’t fully fixed by the very nice man after all. And I’m stranded at the side of the road having dumped the car behind some bushes until morning. (That’s actually true btw.) So CC1 arrives and collects me.
Me: Did you get my texts earlier?
CC1: No. (She lied)
Me: Well, I know your secret. I saw it!
CC1: Ah, I see.
Me: Yes, indeed. And I know whose it is too. I worked it out. Why the fuck is she in our garden?
CC1: She? No, they’re both boys.
Me, very slowly: What.. do.. you.. mean….. “They”?
CC1: Turns out you didn’t know the secret after all I guess!
Me: What do you mean? Are you telling me there are two fucking Breyers in the garden??
CC1 is now laughing uncontrollably
Me: This isn’t funny! Why is the first one there anyway?
CC1: To keep the pony company.
Me: SO WHAT’S THE SECOND ONE DOING THERE?
CC1: To keep the first one company.
Rest of journey home in silence, save for CC1’s giggling the whole way.